I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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