24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
