I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
