dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
