I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
