My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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