How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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