were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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