I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
