does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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