i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
