Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
