I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
