this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
