dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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