I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
