I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I still have a little drunk in my system
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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