can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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