I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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