So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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