Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
