why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
