Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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