I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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