Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
