he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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