her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
