I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Randomize
