Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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