Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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