Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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