I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
