Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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