dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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