I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
