are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
