i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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