If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Randomize
