im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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