when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
