Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
