Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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