I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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