Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
