dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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