**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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