Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
try to milk me bitch
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