I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
