someone threw a dead crab at me
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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