look no pants
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
What a dumb baby whore.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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