stop calling my apartment porn island.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
