I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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