the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
