Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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