finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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