he thought i was a dude.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Im part way to drunk.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
